Eyes on the lens

Thoughts of a confused man

What do we have here? So you want to know a little more about me, well, I guess that can't be helped. This is the latest stuff on my life.

August 24, 2019

Once Upon a Time in... Hollywood finally released in tacoland, and all I can say is a lot, for the moment I'll just write that I fucking love it, I really do. Such a wonderful, super fun experience, watching it is such a good time, and mark my words, it's gonna win the Oscar for best film. Believe me. Do it.

August 17, 2019: Small rant.

Today I watched a wonderful film, a classic from the so called golden era of the mexican cinema, however, it makes me kinda angry that these films, even when they're celebrated all the time by almost everyone who has never ever seen one, have never seen a release through other mediums that are not TV, some of these movies have never been released, after their original run, again in the way the director originally wanted to and the only methods to actually seen them are through old records taken from TV, which use weird and sometimes questionable pan and scan and stretching to the 4:3 ratio some where never meant to be displayed in, the foreign releases are no improvement either cause they do the exact same, and it's pretty probable, that if a movie is not one of Buñuel's works (Because the major studios and distributors of the country still have issues with his ideas) or a film already in the public domain then its never ever going to be available to the public through public libraries, public cinemas, home video or even on alternative cinemas, which is sad and a true insult to the film and the work of everyone involved in the original production.

Alain Resnais would be VERY disappointed.

August 16, 2019

I can confirm that my math class is going to cause me a bunch of anxiety attacks. Guys, I'm scared af. I should go to the psychiatrist soon!!

August 13, 2019

School has been pretty tough, I've been so tired in the las few days, and looks like I'm not going to have free time on weekdays, anyway, that's fine, I'm happy that I registered my classes in a way that I could have a bunch of time to do all my appointments and maybe even a little more, this semester is going to be pretty hard, but I think I'll manage it.

About the guy I meet on the net the other day, I think it's not going to work, we had a weird ass date that ended up being just a simple meeting, just how I like things to be. We spoke for about an hour but it didn't took me long to realize we were tuned to different frequencies and well, I don't know if I'm just overthinking it or being too demanding, either way, I'm trying to not give it more thought and end up doing something I might regret. It'll be better, for both of us.

Today was a nice day, I discovered I have a bunch of classes with some of my friends, so it won't be as hard as I expected it, however, something unexpected happened, when I took the train back home, he was there, I thought I had forgotten, but I still get kinda nervous, I didn't realized he was there, but he came to talk to me, he hasn't changed a bit, wish I hadn't, seeing him made me recall a time when I wasn't really worried about anything, nowadays I worry about everything. He questioned me about a bunch of stuff, about why didn't I went back to my old work, if I still spoke to my ex-coworkers, why didn't I get a new job; I was ashamed to tell him the truth, so I tried to circle over it, he seemed to understand (Maybe he did changed a little too). He left downtown, and on the rest of the way home I kept thinking about myself, I give me little to no attention, recently, I realized how social interaction on real life is tough, my anxiety makes me think so much about the things I do and say in public (Or maybe that's just who I am) to the point that socializing takes too much resources from me and make me feel socially exhausted, I guess I'm a nervous guy, but why? When did I become like this? Is it bad? I mean, it doesn't make me feel worried or sad or anything, but it's just weird... weird af.

Anyway, here's good music:

August 03, 2019

Hello dear diary, in the last few days I've felt like I could only speak to you, I've been meaning to write on you for a few days now to delete everything at the end. I've been feeling isolated lately, I haven't stepped out of my home in a whole month already, haven't received any messages of anyone and nobody has come to talk to my home or anything. I haven't been involved in any kind of relevant human interaction online, I've started to wonder if I'm becoming a hermit or something like that, I'm not really sad about it, I'm just feeling worried about it, I supposse it's not normal but if I feel I'm alright then maybe it's not an issue.

Regarding the job search, I decided to drop it, I was being pretty pushy about it but there's no way that I'm able to get a job with my schedule, I'm pretty sure that I could really use some more money but I have to accept that I can't allow myself to do it, if I did really find a job that I could do I would be pushing me too much, I would be falling in the same trap that I promissed myself not to fall again.

In brighter news, I got to help a friend on the production of a short film, as a sound assistant, to be honest, I know next to nothing about sounds but it could be a good time to learn something. I've also been feeling like not going, it really interests me but I feel uncapable of it, I've been trying to shut those thoughts off by telling myself that I haven't talked to anyone in weeks, and that I haven't seen the sun in over a month, that maybe I could go and eat something nice for a change or something like that, I miss going out to walk and do something, and also I miss that dopamine of being behind a camera, but still doubt always invade; doubt and shame, this last two weeks came with shame because I wanted to study before restarting college again, but I haven't got a single page done, I feel terribly sad for that, like if I were not giving my best, like I could always do better... I spoke about it on a short conversation with an old friend that I haven't seen in years, he suffered the same anxieties, so we talked about it for five minutes - maybe I could have extended the talk but I try not to think about that - he told me a few recommendations to calm down those anxieties and so far, it's been working. I hope it really makes me feel better.

July 28, 2019

People are not disposable, or are they?

July 26, 2019

July 14th, 2019

Another update: We lost the 72% of the Cinema para Promedios site, I recovered most of the posts from old newsletters that I used to send to myself containing every single word and image from the posts, that was so lucky, also, the good thing is that most of the lost posts do not rank in the most popular of our blog.

July 10th, 2019

I was a little careless and I ended up losing all the content of Cinema para Promedios, I don't know if I'll be able to retrieve. I'm not that knowledgeable about this kind of stuff so I just sended an email to tecnical support. Let's see how that goes!!!

July 6th, 2019

I knew it was too good to be true, I'm broke, I don't have even a single penny, I would like to find a job, but there isn't a single one I'm interested in, all the jobs I can apply are extremely physical and receive pretty low wage, I don't want to burn myself like that again, I don't want to burn my mind and body like that, that means that I have to temporarily suspend Cinema para Promedios, which makes me sad, especially because we've started receiving lots and lots of visits, maybe I can redirect the domain to a WordPress.com version of the blog for the time being, at least until I have money to pay. My friend who helps me maintaining the site doesn't have money either, and he's in the middle of a production, so he can't work, I don't know what to do...

In other news, I just finished Jet Grind Radio, a wonderful game originally released for the Dreamcast in 2000. The game takes a lot of inspiration from the United States culture, from the wonderful soundtrack to the cell shaded visuals based on comics that have dated pretty well, and as I always say: when games don't want to be realistic, they age a lot better. The game revolves around a gang of skaters based on the city of Tokyo-to, the protagonists are the GG's, based on Shibuya, their regular lives just go on them running from the police and battling through graffiti for more territory; that is until a powerful man wants to use his money to control the entire world with the help of a "magical" vinyl disc.

Through the story, a bunch of characters with different stats join the GG's, each one of them with amazing designs, not much personality, however, the game centers on gameplay, which I can say it's pretty difficult, sometimes you feel like it's terribly difficult to jump on the ramps or even to gain speed or run from the enemies which get harder and harder and more harder to avoid, it's a perfect example of the thing some like to call the SEGA Learning Curve which some may argue that makes the game more engaging, and it really does, the stats also don't make sense at first, but even if I still don't get them, I can feel them. After a small but difficult main story you still have plenty to do through the streets of Tokyo-to and the streets of Grind City (Based on New York) there are tons of collectibles and challenges to complete, that just like the main story stages, are about making graffiti, collecting points, and races between the members of the GG's. The challenges keep the game fresh and offer pretty different experiences to each user, going back to gameplay, the controls are not difficult to learn, I would say they're hard to master, sadly, the way they're implemented on the game is weird (I don't know yet how to explain it).

I want to also review this one, but I haven't finished making my thoughts on Persona 5, which I also cleared a few days ago, so yeah, later I'll think about it and publish the entire thing.

June 29th, 2019

I finally watched the latest installment of Toy Story, dammit, I WAS MOVED TO TEARS!!! Why am I like this?? I really enjoyed it and made me think a little bit about the relevance of cinema in our lives. I've always said that the only films that are really good films are those that shake your world, that scare you beyond themselves, that make you wish, fantasize, or that make you get sexually moved, cinema MUST move something inside you, if it doesn't hurt it doesn't work!!! This idea had become so often ignored to the point that people forget about a feeling that shakes more than anything, hope. Hope is the least transmitted feeling through films, and that is kinda sad, is kinda reserved to kids films generally, but I think we adults really need to remember that hope actually exist.

In the last few weeks I've been feeling kinda depressed, and the films and TV shows that I've been watching only help me get more sad, Toy Story helped me remember the importance of hope, a really important feeling. I've decided that if I really want to make cinema, it has to be about hope, nothings unfixable, there's always an exit, right? Art may represent the world, but can it be the other way too? World imitating art?

June 27th, 2019

After an entire month of summer vacation, I finally finished Persona 5, a game that had been on my game library for a little more than a year, I finished with a game time of a 120:24 hrs. As should be expected, I really enjoyed the battles, however I found them a little too easy even on the hard mode, but that's to be expected cause they put more effort on story. However, I can't say I really enjoyed the story, I felt really like I was out of the demographic of the game, I felt that the social simulation part was kinda good, but the mechanics were a little hard to follow. The story was really nice, and I liked that they really developed their personality, some characters are pretty undeveloped, but I can say that's the fault of the social interactions being so small; the questioning of the morals sound pretty good, and the game keeps questioning you about that, about the way we define our morals and how sometimes law may be inmoral and that could lead to some abusing the system, and recognizes that no one should keep quiet if they know something wrong is happening, however, it doesn't do anything about it.

These just a few thoughts about the game, I could make a lenghty review about it later, almost 5 years after the game release, and so near to the release of The Royal, what do you think?

June 25th, 2019

The dream repeated again, I'm getting tired, and I'm feeling kinda sleepy, I really want these dreams to stop...

June 22nd, 2019

Yesterday I went to the premiere of the film "Chicuarotes", I can tell you that it's director is more handsome in person. Expect me to review it later.

June 20th, 2019

I was hoping not to write a new entry for a few days but I guess I can't with this anymore. At the moment I write this I should be trying to sleep, however, I'm not, I can't... It's all because of those dreams, I've been having those for a little more than a month, they're not unusual or out or the ordinary dreams, in fact, I would call them pretty normal, but that's why they scare me, whenever I least expect it, those two appear, a woman and a child, both wearing mask, all dressed in black, blue hair, they appear suddenly and always attack me. That's why I haven't been able to sleep, the mere thought of finding those maquinations of my mind again scares me to the bone.

It's been a while since I was so frightened by sleep, last time it happened I was 15 years, I thought that adults never had to worry about things these simple but I was wrong...

Some theorist believe dreams are a way in which we can reflect over the events that happen during the day, and I really believe that, that's why I have some theories over what could be triggering those intrusive thoughts, sadly, i got no proof over those worries, so I'll keep them a secret. 🤐🤐🤐

June 18th, 2019

My schedule for this semester of college isn't as good as I wanted it to be, some teachers are not far from being the best selection, however, I'm happy to know that I'm not going to push myself as much as I did last semester.

The last cycle I took classes on times that I should never have chosen unless I were crazy, I took some at 7 and others at 18, as a result I ended up pretty tired all the time, I couldn't even do my homework properly. Also, I live pretty faraway from the campus, so that was a little more extra effort, and a little more waste of time.

I'll be moving pretty soon, even farer than last time, however, I'm still optimistic cause I will be less time on the university and i could use that time to study or relax.