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Re-imagining myself.

Jan 29, 2021

By Óscar Alfonso Díaz

I remember that when I was younger, I used to be one of those kids that dream too much, as you might imagine, when I was much younger, I wanted to be a particular something, but for some reason, I was really obsessed with it, I remember that for the biggest part of my childhood and my teenage years, I wanted to be a singer, funny right?

I really thought that I would be able to make it big, and my grandma, decided to enroll me and my older sister in singing lessons, sadly, it went terribly wrong, nowadays, I can't remember a particular reason, but I just didn't like it, I eventually left the classes, but that disenchantment with the singing courses didn't stop me from trying, I even remember that I tried to create music cover channels, once when I was like 13 (And ended up being the laughing stock of my closest family members), and a second time more discretely at around 16 years, but eventually a weird realization came to me, I didn't like how I sounded, and it wasn't just the microphone quality, I realized I was worse than a mediocre singer, that really hurt me, because it was something that small me dreamed for a long time.

Time passed, and I realized that I don't have a particularly pleasing to listen voice even when speaking normally, apparently, my vocal cords didn't develop correctly and I ended up with a broken voice and a very strong Jalisco accent.

I tell this story, cause I've been just reminded by it recently, I've been very blunt to everything throughout my entire life, beyond my struggles with sexuality, rejectment, and economic and financial issues, I was overcome by a huge need of being something. When I was younger, I knew better what it meant to be something, but as I have started to grow old, it all has started to sound fishier and more meaningless every time. Maybe it's for the best.

Don't get me wrong, of course, you know I have a few film projects around there, and that I've spent a weird amount of money for someone of my economic class on equipment and courses, but I've realized that I don't think I'll be harmed if any of my plans goes wrong; and they have been going wrong, specifically because of COVID-19, and I do ramble about it, but I feel like my friends and family misunderstand my ramblings as a kind of hatred or disappointment to myself, but it's not like that, it's like when the food is unseasoned, it's not wrong, you just season it and eat it, that's it, but I'm pretty sure that young me would have been scared.

I mean, I'm also scared of my own future, of the future of my friends and the people I care about, but the fears of me right now, and the fears of younger me are now at a complete dissonance, I say this because I read some of the entries in my diary, from a year ago, and I realized that maybe I'm on a different chapter of my life, while maybe two years ago, I would be reluctant of working on anything that might not reward me with the being somebody points that I really wanted, nowadays I don't really care about anything.
I've been feeling released about so many things, the fear I felt of being forgotten, of being alone, it's as if my thanatophobia has started to disappear in some way, and maybe not because of the probable illness I carry with me, but because I needed an entire year, without worries, without leaving my house to discover myself.

I realized this blog is sounding a lot like that, and I mean, it probably is, but it doesn't really matter, it's just how it is. I feel very still lately, I hope it continues like that in the future.

Posted on Film

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